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Two years ago, I divorced the man I love after coming out as a lesbian.
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We still coparent our dog, so we stay in touch throughout the year when I’m traveling.
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I stay in my ex-husband’s guest bedroom when I’m in town. Those trips are often filled with tears.
On a Sunday morning in 2021, my husband and I were laying in bed with our dog in between us. The silence — and the thought of how to break it — was unbearable. We both knew something needed to change, but he didn’t know I had changed.
“Hey,” I said as delicately as I could, “I want a divorce.”
I meant to say more, but the words got caught in my throat when I saw the look in his eyes. He assured me that we could work it out. I shook my head as tears rolled down my cheek.
“I’m gay. I can’t stay married to you,” I said.
He asked me whether I was sure and how I knew. I answered him with as much detail and depth as I could, but the reality was I didn’t exactly know. I just knew the moment I said it all out loud. I could feel my heart shatter and my soul breathe for what felt like the first time in my entire life. We didn’t say anything for a while; we just held each other and cried.
Our decade-long relationship and five years of marriage were over. The next day, I packed up my camper van and left.
Through the divorce, we remained amicable. But two years later, we’re still figuring out how to navigate our new friendship.
The divorce was surprisingly easy but painful
We kept our separation to ourselves while we figured out how to get a divorce. Eventually, I came out to my parents, then to his. No one was surprised that I was gay, but everyone mourned the loss of our marriage. My parents told me to be cautious throughout the divorce proceedings, both having been previously married and divorced, they knew how ugly it could get.
I held my breath, waiting for the divorce to get nasty. I waited for him to show me his “true colors,” but he remained the kind and gentle man I fell in love with a decade ago.
He kept the house we lived in together in Denver because I didn’t want it. I kept the ring and his last name. We didn’t want a penny from each other. It was all amicable.
For the next year, I traveled often and lived in my camper van. One day, our mediator emailed, writing, “Your divorce has been finalized.”
I was at a surf and yoga retreat in Portugal, and he was at home in Denver. That was that. I simultaneously felt immense sadness and relief. I couldn’t help but wonder whether I did the right thing.
Should I have come out? Should I have stayed married to him? What we had was love — real love, so why did I give it up?
It took time to realize I never gave up loving him. Our love just looks different now.
Coparenting our dog ensures we stay in each other’s lives
My ex-husband and I are in frequent communication because we coparent our dog, Ted. Ted spends the summers at home, which allows me to continue my travels. The rest of the year, he’s here with me playing on the sandy beaches of California.
While my ex-husband and I don’t share a lot in common anymore, Ted allows us to remain connected, even on our loneliest days. It’s comforting knowing we share a love beyond our own.
Whenever I go home, I stay in my ex-husband’s guest room
I still travel a lot, but my home base is in California. I don’t return to Denver that often — typically one to two times a year. But when I do, I sleep in what was once our guest room. It’s now his guest room. It’s strange and sad and beautiful.
It’s also awkward and heartbreaking. Our wedding photos no longer hang on the wall, and my office has turned into his shoe closet, but my accolades still sit on top of the bookshelf. We both love going to the movies and always manage to catch a show or two when I’m home. More recently, we started going out to dinner with my parents again — something we used to do weekly.
There are moments when I want to hold his hand under the table like we used to, but those thoughts never linger for long. On the car ride home, one of us usually tears up, but the tears are always welcome. Mostly, he feels like family, a feeling I never want to leave.
This is our post-marriage life, and it works for us.
2 years after our divorce, we’re still figuring out our friendship, but I’m grateful for him
People tell me I’m brave, but I think my ex-husband is the brave one. He chooses to continue to love and support me when it would have been so easy not to. Right now, our friendship is built on that decision, and I’m so grateful to him for that.
There’s still a lot to work out. I have no idea what the future holds or what will happen when he finds his person or when I find mine. Maybe we’ll all travel together one day and look back without pain. Right now, that feels impossible, but I’m holding out hope.
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