Dear Richard,
Many years ago I caught my then-husband in flagrante with my brother’s recently affianced girlfriend. It caused me significant upset but my marriage survived for a few years, until a subsequent affair on my part sealed its fate.
In the intervening years, at family gatherings, I included my sister-in-law but we would typically do a sort of ritual dance around one another to avoid close contact for more than a few moments. At my son’s recent wedding she barely acknowledged me or my hospitality.
This summer I am getting remarried, to my partner of 11 years, who I met on my one and only internet date (through Telegraph Dating!). It will be a small affair with only close family and friends, making it impossible for me to avoid or ignore my nemesis.
Having felt uncomfortable at every occasion over the past few years, I am reluctant to subject myself to my sister-in-law’s presence at the wedding. I would like my brother to be there, but I am prepared to forgo his presence if necessary. However, he doesn’t know about his wife’s tryst with my ex and I couldn’t justify leaving them out without giving a reason.
This is one of the reasons for taking so long to remarry. Do you have any wise words of advice on how to negotiate this situation without causing an irretrievable family rift?
— Anon, via email
Dear Anon,
Well, obviously you can’t tell your brother about his wife’s (then-fiancée’s) fling with your ex. It’s much too late in the day and I can’t see the slightest justification for it. (I realise you don’t plan to, but you seem pretty upset and off-balance right now and I just want to underline the point. If your brother found out it could cause a lot of needless damage.)
You ask for ‘wise words’ of advice. Hmm. I think what I need to offer you are some pretty unvarnished planks of realism. So here goes. Firstly, of course your brother must be at your wedding. And I’m sorry, Anon, but that means his wife too. You simply can’t invite him and not her. It would beg too many questions. It’s not an option. That’s plank one.
Plank two. I’m going to be direct, so brace yourself. After all this time, can’t you let this go? Really? It was YEARS ago! And from the way you describe it, it was very much a one-off liaison, not some long-running affaire de coeur. Sometimes people just tumble into bed with the person they shouldn’t. Yes, they made a mistake – but so did you, Anon! You yourself admit to cheating on your husband years later. (Let she who is without sin cast the first stone…)
I think you have bigger fish to fry than constantly revisiting this ancient betrayal. You’re getting married; opening a new chapter. My strong advice is to tear this dog-eared page out of the book of your life, screw it into a ball and chuck it in the bin. Call your sister-in-law and arrange to meet her for a drink. Tell her you want to move on and make friends with her.
It’s never too late to forgive and forget, Anon. Do that, and then have a wonderful wedding day.
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