I’ve got great news: President Joe Biden is for sure going to prison!
How do I know this? Because Republican lawmakers on the House Oversight Committee have said they have an airtight case against Biden, and they’ll get down to the business of imprisoning him just as soon as they locate their key informant, who they now say is missing.
“Unfortunately, we can’t track down the informant,” GOP Rep. James Comer told Fox News on Sunday. “We’re hopeful that the informant is still there.”
Don’t let the GOP’s lack of evidence fool you, Joe Biden is guilty of something!
We’re all very hopeful! And we certainly have no reason to doubt Republican claims of vast criminal wrongdoing by Biden. Just last week, the oversight committee released a preliminary report on its four-month-long investigation that showed, definitively, what Fox News’ Steve Doocy described as “no evidence that Joe Biden did anything illegally.”
GOTCHA, SLEEPY JOE! We all know what criminal masterminds like Biden are best at: Not leaving evidence that shows they did anything illegally. Checkmate.
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While the committee members try to locate their informant, who is definitely a real human person who exists, and assemble what I’m sure will be mountains of evidence detailing Biden’s crime-doing, let’s consider past Republican promises that have worked out great.
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Republicans have never over-promised and under-delivered on putting Democrats in prison
On Monday, special counsel John Durham released a report detailing his four-year investigation into the investigators who investigated former President Donald Trump and Russian interference in the 2016 election. Trump himself had promised Durham’s work would reveal “the crime of the century.”
In February of last year, Trump told Fox News: “Durham is also coming up with things far bigger than anybody thought possible. Nobody ever thought a thing like this would be even discussed, let alone an act like this committed.”
The things nobody ever thought would be discussed were apparently so much bigger than anyone thought possible that Durham’s four-year investigation yielded a whopping two acquittals and one guilty plea resulting in a former FBI lawyer getting sentenced to one-year of probation. Undoubtedly the libs will think twice before again committing the crime of the century.
Durham’s ‘crime of the century’ investigation results in … nothing?
Durham’s report also SLAMMED the FBI and the Justice Department, saying: “This report does not recommend any wholesale changes in the guidelines and policies that the Department and FBI now have in place to ensure proper conduct and accountability in how counterintelligence activities are carried out.” KA-BOOM!
By comparison, what did the two-year investigation led by Special Counsel Robert Mueller yield? A measly 34 people indicted, leading to seven guilty pleas and five prison sentences. And the people sentenced included total no-names like Trump’s 2016 campaign chairman, Paul Manafort, longtime Trump attorney Michael Cohen and longtime Trump confidant Roger Stone. Michael Flynn, Trump’s former national security adviser (is “national security adviser” even that big a deal???), pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI, but was pardoned by Trump prior to sentencing.
Basically, a total nothing-burger.
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Joe Biden will soon join Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama in prison!
So Biden had better be shaking in his loafers right now, because he’s about to join the likes of Hillary Clinton behind bars. (I realize the “her” in “Lock her up!” remains decidedly not locked up, but I’m sure it will happen any day now. Those chants couldn’t have all been for nothing.)
And let’s not forget the impeachment, criminal prosecution and locking up of former President Barack Obama, whose many crimes were vaguely detailed over and over by Republicans on Fox News. I’m confident the justice they claimed would surely come for Obama will be coming any minute now, unless it’s out there hiding alongside the House Oversight Committee’s Biden informant. (Has anyone checked to see if they’re in Hunter Biden’s laptop? Definitely the first place I’d look.)
Anyway, we know Republicans under Trump promised to do away with Obamacare, and that is a thing that for sure happened. Also, Trump built the border wall and Mexico paid for it – just ask him.
Proof of a rigged election, a completed border wall – I’m sure it’s all coming soon
Indisputable evidence the 2020 election was rigged will be coming out any day now, presumably alongside the Obamacare-replacement health-care plan Trump promised to deliver “in two weeks” sometime in 2020 and many times thereafter.
Clearly, Republicans are on a winning streak, as evidenced by Trump winning the last presidential election and the GOP “Red Wave” sweeping America in the 2022 midterm elections. So President Biden has ample reason to be concerned about this VERY SERIOUS Republican investigation into nefarious things they want to believe he did.
While the committee’s expansive preliminary report shows that Biden family members made lots of money from a variety of foreign sources while Biden was vice president, it fails to make any allegation that Biden or any relative committed a crime.
In other words: Republicans have Biden right where they want him! You never specify the crimes a person is guilty of – you just allege they are guilty of those crimes and let people’s imagination do the rest.
Who needs evidence when the crimes are imagined?
Republican Sen. Ron Johnson explained as much on Fox News: “You have to infer these things, you’re not gonna get necessarily get hard proof.”
Enjoy your final days in office, President Biden, for you will soon be presumed convicted of a multitude of criminal presumptions based on conceptualized evidence wished into existence.
All courtesy of today’s Republican Party, which never lets facts get in the way of imagined victory.
More from Rex Huppke:
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: GOP investigation into Biden missing informant – and evidence
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